Good evening cyberfolk in cyberspace. It certainly has been quite some time since I last posted on my blog. Those who do know me, family and close friends, and also new friends, are aware that my personal circumstances changed dramatically in May 2016. My long-term relationship with my partner of 9 years ended quite suddenly. A dire consequence of that was experiencing several months of extremely bad mental health, another hospital stay and yet another long road to recovery. During this time I lost all sense of security that go alongside these relationships, such as having to make the decision to move out of our home, as I couldn’t afford to take on the mortgage on my own. In amongst all of this, I lost my sense of self, self-confidence and self-esteem – even to some point, my self-respect. After being discharged from hospital, I had no other option but to move in with my Mum for a couple of months. This resulted in many, many duvet days, and pj days – where I did not want to face the world. After searching online daily for somewhere new to rent, I eventually found the ideal place. In November, I moved back to St Helens to live on my own. The breakdown in my relationship, meant the break-up of our family unit. Although I planned to have Oscar living with me full-time, I had to live up to the reality of not being able to look after him properly. I had a week with Oscar in my new place, and as he had gone through several months of upheaval, I made the heart-breaking decision to have him re-homed. I wasn’t well enough in myself to look after him, and as a result, Oscar was picking up on my stress. Thankfully, Oscar was adopted by his new forever family in December 2016 after spending a few weeks at the kennels were we had originally adopted him from. Christmas saw my Mum and I taking a much-deserved holiday – neither of us wanted to celebrate Christmas in the traditional sense, so we had a week-long break in Kraków, Poland.
I had started my second OU module in October, was making good progress up until the point where I had moved into my new house, and with my first assignment looming, and no internet, and still feeling the daily stresses and strains of the break-up, I decided to defer my studies again. There are times when I can cope being in my own company, and days where I miss having certain people around me. During these times, I do nothing but cry into the early hours of the morning.
Despite having to go into hospital, there was an upside. Whilst undergoing treatment for my latest crisis, I met a fellow patient on the male ward. A friendship developed into a relationship, upon being discharged, which certainly helped us both towards our individual roads of recovery, seeing each other on a weekly basis. The circumstances as to how we met, weren’t exactly ideal, however for a time we shared a common grounding. This person also introduced me to a new social circle, to which I’ve been entirely grateful. The whole experience of meeting this person, has enforced the belief that people do deserve to be loved no matter what they are personally going through. Although our relationship has recently ended, I have appreciated this kind, caring and non-judgemental person a lot, and will continue to care about him.
So far, January and February have brought to the surface personal issues that run so deep inside my head, and also my heart. I have made the decision to remain single for as long as possible, and to give myself a proper chance to heal. All my duvet days have resulted in weight gain, and increased medication has had yet again a detrimental effect on my hair, which has meant significant hair loss. The only goals that I have made for this year, are to tackle my weight loss, and also to complete my ITQ Level 2 course that I started in January with St Helens College. That at the moment, is something that is going right for me. I have also had a couple of free consultations with salons that provide solutions for hair loss. Yes indeedy, I have tried on several hairpieces and have chosen one which I should be getting fairly soon. Hopefully in time for my best friend’s wedding. So if you admire my new hairdo, then you’ll know my secret.
Well, I am signing off for now, and will hopefully post again during March.